fall

Somehow, October always does me in. For as long as I can remember, I just kind of drop out come the first few weeks of fall. There have been times where something really bad goes down and there have been times where my state of mind has been the only thing wrong in the room. But one way or another, I seem to lose every October. The best anaology I can give for those who don't deal with clinical depression is that it's like diving to the bottom of a pool and not being able to come up for air, except for a few fleeting moments. And in those moments, you're so busy with survival and breathing, you can't even think to look around. You're just concentrating on your next breath. (Ironcially, controlling your breathing and concentrating on one breath at a time is one of the ways you're supposed to deal with panic attacks, too.)

I documented on the old blog my struggle and success with my condition(s). I've been going it without meds for over a year now (by choice, after a successful run on the proper cocktail). I'm also doctor-less (again by choice, after a successful run of therapy and close behavior monitoring), which means that I'm supposed to keep myself in check. It's true, each day that I manage not to manifest an OCD moment where I once would have, I feel slightly more "normal" - which is to say, further and further removed from past instances of feeling crazy. However, if I don't remind myself what it's like, all of the sudden I realize I'm treading old pathways again. But, then, depressed and crazy or not, we all have to do that to some extent. For me, Ocotober's just a trigger. I just have to remind myself I've been worse and I'll be better. And of course, make sure not to drop off the face of the Earth again. Last time, it required a break-up, a forgiveness session with an old friend, and a whole lot of doctor visits. We're looking to forgo that if possible.

OK, that's enough navel-gazing for me. This is all getting a little AA for my tastes. See me when I have something to say again.

J.